Carib Beer XI vs Network Rail / ATOC - July 11th 2011

For our Fifth game of the season, we again headed off to Wray Crescent, in Finsbury Park, for what was eventually to turn out to be an action packed and memorable game, for several reasons. Our opposition this time was Network Rail / ATOC, an apparent combination of two teams, one of whom, Network Rail, we have played a couple of times before and lost heavily to on most occasions. Obviously not content with administering a sound thrashing by themselves, as is their wont most years, they had apparently roped in additional troops in an attempt to further increase the humiliation of the hapless Carib Beer XI. Disappointingly, our Leader, Captain and President, Martin Haigh, was again unable to attend the fixture, on account of scaling another small hill in Scotland while desperately trying to maintain his skeletal integrity, something he had signally failed to do the previous year, becoming lodged in a crevice for several hours and having to be air-lifted to safety. No doubt his new batting helmet is in attendance this time and should prevent any lasting damage should he come to grief once again.

Sadly, however, this left our veteran vice skipper, aging medium pacer, and perennial run-out candidate Carib Rogerson once again in charge of proceedings, for hopefully, should Martin continue to avoid further hospitalisation, the final time this season. A few other last minute drop outs had left us with something of a motley line up. Carib Berry, still in plaster from dropping a dolly the previous week, continued to be unavailable, as was hen-pecked Carib Willis, owner of the team’s most disastrous bowling figures. The holes in the line up being filled by a Newman House Cardinal, and very useful player, Dave Houseman, a completely useless, but solidly built, fine leg fielder, Ringer Michael Hayes, and the only person we know of who has contrived to be dismissed more times than the number of balls faced, Ringer Gray. Nevertheless, there were the usual familiar faces, and should everyone eventually arrive, we should be able to put out a full team.

The opposition were already at the Park as we arrived, and were already out in the middle practicing, usually a sign that we’re playing a proper team and in for a proper pasting. Unfortunately, however, as their skipper advised us, there were only 8 of them and were therefore not going to be as strong a team as we had feared. Veteran Vice Skipper Carib Rogerson engaged the Network Rail skipper Law in conversation to establish the playing conditions, as usual, and agreed on a 20 over game, retirement at 25 etc, and crucially, as suggested by the opposition skipper, that wides / no balls would count as two runs and not be retaken. Usually, when this rule is suggested by a Carib, it is with a twinge of guilt, knowing as we do that we are always far more likely to benefit from such an arrangement than the opposition, given that when it comes to bowling wides, we are simply the best in the business, and many games we’ve played in have almost had to be abandoned with some of our more hapless bowlers still toiling away in the darkness in an attempt to complete a legal over.

Nevertheless, after another great coin toss, the old medium pacer scored another victory, his third in three attempts so far this summer, and as usual, the opposition were asked to bat first, our most reliable way of ensuring that the games don’t end too early. Our usual method of approaching a run chase is to suffer yet another calamitous batting collapse, and this is usually sufficient to ensure that we still get plenty of post match drinking time, while giving the opposition batsmen a decent run in the middle. The opposition provided the ball on this occasion, and we were rather pleased to see that it was a bright pink ball, a colour that is still being trialled in the first class game, and we agreed to give it a try, relishing the chance of being in the forefront of cricket research. Whether we would find it any easier to hit or bowl straight with was going to be another matter.

However, the game now got underway and to open the bowling for the Caribs would be stand in, and rapidly aging, vice skipper Carib Rogerson, with Newman House Cardinal Dave Houseman taking the second. The first couple of overs preceded without incident, until in the old Carib’s second over, a rank leg side full toss was pulled high into the air and flew down to backward square leg, seemingly destined for a well deserved six. Fortunately for us, however, our best fielder, Dan Tungate was prowling on this section of the boundary and as the ball plunged towards earth, Dan seemed well placed to catch it. The Batsman’s annoyance and the old bowler’s embarrassment was complete as the ball stuck safely in Carib Tungate’s bucket hands, and we’d snared our first wicket. That the old Carib bowler is now reduced to taking wickets in this manner is surely a sign that a non too premature retirement is just around the corner.

Dave Houseman’s two accurate and useful overs were duly completed and the old vice skipper threw the ball to our own erratic and compulsive mid pitch bouncer bowling Jarrod Worthy for four overs of bumpers, bouncers, toe crunchers (his own usually) and wides. As usual, Carib Worthy failed to disappoint and his half track bouncers were easily despatched to the boundary for fours and sixes as the Network Rail batsmen climbed into him. From the other end, Carib Rogerson, determined to finish his four overs on the bounce, managed to induce another Network Railer to thick edge it down to third man, directly towards our own edger in chief, Carib Moss. Not usually the safest pair of hands, we hoped against hope that Andy would snare the catch as the ball looped through the air towards him. Initially, however, it appeared destined to bounce several yards in front of him. Not to be deterred, our edge finding nurdler charged in, hands outstretched, as if he was holding a lump of something radioactive, while desperately trying to get his hands under the ball before it hit the ground. At the very last moment, with at least several feet of ground covered, the ball landed in his finger tips, and stuck fast. Andy had pulled off a great catch, and sensing the occasion, we all rushed down to third man to congratulate him for his Stirling efforts.

The Network Railers were now two down, but the next man in was Network Rail Zack who set about hitting the ball to all parts, seriously increasing the run rate in the face of some rather innocuous Carib bowling. However, in his fourth over, the now exhausted old Vice Captain, Carib Rogerson, floated up a rare straight one, and uncharacteristically, the Network Rail Batsman, perhaps too over-eager to smash it to the boundary, missed it completely as his stumps splattered behind him. Although he had reached 22 by now, we had seen off a very dangerous opponent, at least preventing him from batting again, should the unlikely happen and we bowl out their other seven players. Perhaps buoyed by the success of his mentor and chief tormentor, Carib Rogerson, Bouncer Bowling Jarod Worthy even managed to get one in the batsman’s half of the wicket. Perhaps in shock, the Network Rail batsman completely fluffed it, and the ball clattered into his pads. In unison, we raised our arms and appealed in chorus for a positive decision from our relentlessly correct official umpire Michael Lee, a renowned “not outer”, hoping against hope that Jarrod had actually got one on the wicket and that the umpire’s on field beer consumption hadn’t yet impaired his ability to see that far. To our great surprise, the finger of death was flourished high in the air, and the disappointed Network Rail batsman was forced to take the long slow walk back to the boundary edge, perhaps not yet realising the part he is now destined to play in Carib folklore as “that bloke that got out to Jarrod”. The wicket has now taken his summer’s tally to two, something of a record for him, and one that, with 3 games left, one even he has a chance of bettering before the season’s out.

To replace the old Caribs, our best batsman Dan Tungate now came on for a couple of overs of wiley off spin. Unfortunately, during the course of his second over, another Network Railer smashed one down to Third Man directly to the waiting edge finding nurdler Carib Moss. Perhaps buoyed by his earlier catching success, and with a certain casualness and over-confidence now possibly entering his fielding, his second attempt was not quite as auspicious as the first, and this time, the ball bounced off his outstretched hands and flopped harmlessly to the turf. Andy sank to his knees and buried his face in the ground, bereft at his failure to take what was palpably an easier chance than the first, and equalling his own unlikely record of two catches in a game. Nevertheless, the Network Railers remained four down, and Caribs Moss and Overseas Tour Manager Weaver were drafted in to bowl an over each. As expected, the no-retaking-of-wides rule continued to work in our favour, and both overs were completed in no more than the length of time it takes to fetch a cricket ball from the bushes six times.

With the introduction of heavily set flame haired northerner Carib Cordey into the attack, we knew things would start to get interesting, and we didn’t have too long to wait. In his first over the well set Network Rail Jish completely missed a Carib Cordey moon ball and saw his stumps scattered across the turf. In his second over, another moon ball induced the new batsman to come charging down the wicket and attempt to smash the ball back into orbit. However, so slow and tossed up was the delivery that he was through with the shot a full 4 seconds to spare before the ball arrived. Sensing that he may be able to get his hands on it our keen, but generally butter fingered wicketkeeper, Carib Bowen came charging down the pitch in an attempt to gather up the ball in readiness for a stumping. Realising his mistake the Network Rail Batsman began to try and make up his ground, charging back towards the waiting wicket-keeper, by that time frantically juggling the ball between his hands in an attempt to get a firm grip of it. However, in the end, our wicket keeper won the battle, grasping the ball and swiping off the bails at the very moment the bat came thudding down. It was a close run thing, but they were now six down and with their last pair at the crease.

To finish things off the Newman House Cardinal Dave Houseman was brought back to complete his final two overs. In his final over, he was able to bowl the Network Rail skipper for 8, leaving their last man not out. Given that they only had 8 men, our veteran vice skipper Carib Rogerson generously agreed to allow “last man standing” and allow the final batsman, by then already well past 25, to face the last few balls of the over. Without further incident, but with a few extra runs to their name, the Network Rail innings now came to a close on a very healthy 147, something that would present more than a stiff target for the Carib Beer XI’s line up of nurdlers, Ringers, one hit wonders and fading old timers.

To open the batting, and with few other volunteers, the aging skipper and perennial run out candidate Carib Rogerson would open with our current Best Batsman and keen new member, Dan Tungate. It didn’t take long, however, before the wickets started to tumble. Facing only his second ball the old vice skipper missed a wide one that flew down to fine leg and wasn’t gathered up by the Network Rail fielder until virtually over the boundary. Thinking that it had gone for four, the two Caribs began meandering back to their respective marks. Unfortunately, however, they were completely mistaken in their opinions and the ball was gathered, and thrown, bullet like, back to the wicketkeeper with both the hapless Caribs still in the middle of the pitch, apparently completely confused about which end they should now attempt to run to. For what seemed like minutes, they prevaricated, calling first one end, then the other. Sadly, the inevitable happened and after a while both openers found themselves at the same end just as the ball arrived in the wicketkeeper’s gloves. Realising the preposterous situation he had now found himself in the old vice skipper frantically tried to run towards the bowler’s end, but made it barely 3 feet before the ball was back in the bowler’s hand and the stumps were unceremoniously disturbed ending what had become possibly the most farcical running attempt in cricketing history, and cementing Carib Rogerson’s reputation as the worst runner in the team, constantly at risk of making a complete fool of himself seemingly every time he bats.

Next man in was northern bakery magnate Phil Cordey, a man with a reputation for pugnacious boundary hitting, and, sadly, for being bowled following a 4th delivery rush of blood. We weren’t to be disappointed, as after some initial fireworks, that included his customary boundary, Carib Cordey’s red mist came back to haunt him, and sauntering down the wicket in an attempt to smash the ball into the Thames, he completely missed it and was bowled, 4th ball, for 5. He was replaced at the wicket by our most useful ringer, Newman House Cardinal Dave Houseman, and between himself and Dan Tungate, a very useful partnership began to develop. As the first change bowlers came on, both Carib batsmen began to find the boundary, and our run rate climbed to a level that, if continued, could threaten the Network Rail’s own score. Dan Tungate’s great innings included 3 fours and a towering six as he raced towards his retirement score, while Dave Houseman dipped in with boundaries of his own, and it looked as if both of them were headed for scores of 25+.

Sadly, however, Dave was to fall before he could complete his 25, being struck on the pads by his opposite Newman House Cardinal Jim, playing for the Network Railers in an attempt to balance the numbers. The subsequent appeal to our relentlessly correct official umpire, Michael Lee, was successful and the dreaded finger of death was raised, sending him on his way, rueing the fact that Michael had, according to him, failed to detect the huge inside edge, which would have, apparently, if his leg hadn’t had been in the way, been sufficient to cannon the ball towards square leg. Nevertheless, we were now three down, and with Dan Tungate’s retirement, we were down to our own rather fragile middle order.

Fifth man in was our newest ringer, Ringer Gray, someone who has, amazingly, managed to be out twice, while only facing one ball. This time, however, he was to last a full two balls before edging one through to the keeper for nought, bringing his season’s tally to 3 dismissals in 3 balls for no runs in three games, surely a new low, even for the Caribs. Bouncer Bowling Carib Worthy was next man in, and he too was to last a full two balls before being comprehensively bowled for nought by Newman House Jim, bringing his season’s tally of runs to a level equal only with Ringer Gray, nought, from five games.

Next in was the nurdling engine room of our innings, nurdlers Bowen and Moss, who at least steadied the ship following the dramatic collapse of the preceding minutes, if not troubling the scorers too much with any lusty boundary hitting. However, as he played himself in, keen wicketkeeper Andy Bowen did manage to hit a couple of decent shots, propelling his score to the lofty heights of 12 before losing his middle stump to the Network Rail Jim. Andy Moss flat batted or missed everything for several balls before being bowled by the Newman House Ringer Jim for 1, bringing returning Overseas Tour Manager Andy Weaver to the crease, who was again being called to pull our onions out of the fire with his usual array of nurdles and nudges. We weren’t to be disappointed, however, as Andy again played a great innings, pushing the ball around and hitting the odd boundary, and at the very least, keeping us in the game, should our best Batsman, Dan Tungate, be given another chance at the crease.

Following our butter fingered wicketkeeper’s eventual dismissal for 12, our heavily built ringer Hayes came to the crease, and after hitting a very useful boundary, skied one into the air, ending our innings and allowing the big hitting Tungate to return to the fray, our only hope of overhauling the Network Rail Score, if, that is, our nurdling Tour Manager Andy Weaver could hang around a bit. In the event, our best batsman began finding the boundary almost immediately, smashing 3 fours and a six in quick succession, taking his score towards 50, a score not reached by a Carib in living memory – many of us don’t score that many in a season, let along a single innings, although Carib Willis has been known to have that many runs hit off his bowling.

However, the evening’s dramatic events were now to unfold. Although we generally bowl all our overs from one end in an attempt to avoid hitting the ball into the street and hitting a North London Cortina, the shot that sealed it was a magnificent hook shot from our Best Batsman, Dan Tungate, who connected with a loose leg side delivery in the penultimate over and smashed it heavenwards, easily clearing the boundary and descending into the street beyond. We held our respective breaths as we waited for the smashing of glass, hoping against hope that it would bounce harmlessly into the street. The sound that eventually came our way, however, was not one of breaking glass, but a whooping THUMP that sounded distinctly like a cricket ball hitting a car. Silence descended around the ground, and what seemed like minutes passed as we all wondered what to do or what the implications of the incident might be. The silence was eventually broken, however, by our own flame haired northerner, who had been fielding at fine leg for the opposition. Realising he had drawn the short straw, he gamely began trotting towards the park entrance muttering along the way that “I suppose I’ll have to go and get it then?” …

As he rounded the railings and began searching the road for the presence of the luminous pink ball, raised voices could be heard from the houses populating the opposite side of the road. Before long a number of front doors were opened, and a variety of residents began to descend into the street and the sound of angry voices increased as the residents began to discuss between themselves the events that had just passed. Luckily for us, Carib Cordey was able to retrieve the ball and make good his escape before the full wrath and fury of the torch wielding villagers could be brought to bear. One resident in particular, realising which car had been struck, angrily patrolled the path informing all that would listen that those cricketers had had the audacity to strike the car of an apparently pregnant woman, and that the council were going to be informed by telephone the following morning of what had transpired, in rather colourful and ebullient terms. If his threats are eventually carried out, next week we should arrive at the ground to find it either being used as a car park or having been dug over for purposes other than cricket, if that is he can’t convince the council to cancel the game before then.

By now, however, the fight had been taken out of us, and after a suitable period of reflection, the game eventually restarted, but Mr Tungate’s fireworks were not to be repeated, and the game faltered to a close with a series of nervous and hesitant singles, and with us a full 20 runs short of the Network Rail score. Dan Tungate, however, had taken his score to 58 not out, and facing the final ball of the match, perhaps deflated after his attempts to upset the birthing patterns of pregnant north London females by denting their cars, he tamely missed a straight one and lost his middle stump, ending what was, damage to the local Cortinas notwithstanding, a truly great innings.

Not wanting to hang around, for obvious reasons, and to avoid another potential conflict with torch wielding North Londoners, we quickly gathered up our kit, downed the last of our beers, and headed off in the direction of the local pub for some much needed refreshment.

It should be noted that Carib Cordey was quite sure that no permanent damage had been done to any of the local cars, despite the collision with our cricket ball, and that at time of going to press, we’re quite sure that no pregnant females were harmed during the course of the game.

Carib Beer XI Lose by 20 Runs

Scorecard