St Peters Dad vs Carib Beer XI,

Battersea Park, Wednesday 12th June 2024

Caribs fielded almost a full side at Battersea Park, and one of the best turn outs of Members for some time, the gentle chiding of the Dear Leader in his recent match report ringing in their ears, although his attendance this time was only in spirit, and while he was much missed in all respects, the irony of such was enjoyed by all. Was he injured or away on business?

The first two to arrive were Caribs Moss and Goochie. The latter had hoped for rain, thinking his sore arm was fit to raise a pint, but not carry the bat. Others then arrived in a steady trickle, and that is not a reference to their efforts to find somewhere for a pre-match number 1, having heard (false) rumours that the pavilion was closed. Carib Holmes was early, so rare an event as surely to put him in the running for Personality of the Year. A couple of dogs ran off with the boundary cones between their teeth, while on the other side of the field a football net had been set up for goalkeeping practice, and all this was much to the consternation of St Peter's Dad. Toby, a Ringer straight out of central casting, laid down on the turf to continue his proper warm up, which was met with admiration but no imitation by fellow Caribs.

It was soon time for the toss, although the necessary was not easily to hand, and we briefly contemplated tossing the Amex, before eventually finding a coin. Carib Weaver, again our captain for the evening, won said toss and elected to field, a scenario he preferred for its novelty, and before he realised that our main bowlers hadn't yet arrived. Never mind: Carib Cordey and Ringer Toby gamely stepped up to open the bowling. It was the latter who took the first wicket, his steep bounce drawing the batsman into skying up a caught-and-bowled. Carib Cordey remarked to his bowling partner, we were quiet when the catch went up "as we normally drop it". Not this time! St Peter's Dad then started to play their way in, but then...la cavalerie est arrivée. Caribs Yusuf and Swanand arrived just in time to take to the field as a formidable first- and second- change pairing.

Carib Yusuf began with a three-card trick, two beamers followed by a bowled, and another wicket later in the over. Sensing we were in with a chance, Carib Weaver threw on Carib Holmes, who when practising his run-up was asked by Umpire St Peter's, carrying an iPad, what's your first name and surname? Hoping not to show up on the system and thus receive a last-minute reprieve from the ordeal, your correspondent was asked to confirm whether he identified as Right Arm Over, to which he said we'd have to see how it goes. In practice he strayed down the legside, not remotely as textbook as his fielding, and if not expensive, was hardly cheap. Carib Gordon sent down a couple of good overs, but then split his finger while fielding and needed to go off injured. Looking for a death bowler, Carib Weaver naturally turned to Carib Moss for a second spell. He received some punishment from his nemesis Dad Jonny who had returned to the crease after earlier scoring 25, but the opposition soon received its comeuppance when sending a huge skier down to Carib Swanand on the rope, and the chance swirled through the air this way and that, and was eventually taken. Before the innings came to a conclusion, Carib Cordey bagged his first-ever LBW. There was some surprise at this, perhaps the umpire's iPad was providing ball tracking, but either way we were sure that Carib Michael would not have given it.

The Caribs were set a daunting total of 154 to win, but like England there's no total they won't chase, and they were given a half-time pep talk by Carib Swanand, who encouraged everyone to throw caution to the wind, and put swinging before thinking. Thinking that they would need all the help they can get, and in the spirit of marginal gains, Caribs lined up at the boundary with three devices to track the progress of the second innings. Carib Yusuf set a high tempo from the off, scoring two boundaries in his first three balls, but was soon bowled by Dad Ben. Ringer Rob playing for us rather than the home team as they had an extra player, had more success, scoring a pretty-much-a-run-a-ball 13. At first drop, Carib Holmes scored a rare (for him) boundary before falling to the spin of Dad Karl. These opening skirmishes were as nothing, however, compared to the legendary partnership of Caribs Goochie and Swanand. The former scored 19 off 47 balls in nearly a full hour of action, his second-highest score in Carib history. If this was a Boycott innings, then Swanand's was Botham-esque, even including a reverse sweep. Cue a bowling change from the opposition - "he ain't gonna be reverse sweeping this!" - which instead was clubbed through the covers (another bowling change saw the Caribs encouraged to "kneel and pray", but again we were having none of it).

At one point Carib Swanand sprinted down to the other end only to find Carib Goochie, at the non-striker's, had his back turned (he indicated later that he'd thought his partner was out LB). Thankfully we were reprieved, and when he retired on 25, Carib Swanand handed his bat to Carib Goochie, meaning that he was fully clad in Kookaburra for the finale of this memorable innings, and looking more like a sponsorship opportunity than ever. Carib Goochie continued to resist bowling so fast that the Dad Wicketkeeper was yelping in pain each times the ball arrived in his gloves, even needing to ask the Caribs for Magic Spray (alas we had none: our Carib Bowen, back in his rightful place for this match, is made of tougher stuff). Finally Carib Goochie was joined at the crease by Ringer Toby, who straight away adopted some marvellous mind-games by taking a right-handed stance, only to change to a left-handed stance, prompting a wholescale fielding change, only to announce that he was "only joking". Great stuff.

The Caribs were happy to get past 100, but in the end fell around 50 short. Carib Goochie was informed by Carib Moss that sadly he had not carried his bat, but it was a "red-inker" (i.e. not out). Carib Goochie explained that all the balls he didn't hit were "unplayable deliveries". The Dads offered us beer, "as a thank you for such a low strike rate". There was talk that all the tech on the field would be able to generate a kind of wagon wheel, but this has yet to emerge: perhaps the confectionary variety can be brought along to the next match in Greenwich Park.

Carib Beer XI Lose by 50 Runs

Scorecard