Test Match / Team Picnic - 25th August 2007 - Regents Park

In the same way as the ECB have attempted to introduce new formats into the tired county calender in the form of Twenty20 cricket, so the Caribs have followed suit, introducing for the first time this season the inaugural "Carib Beer XI Saturday Test Match and Picnic Day" event, hoping to tap into the same youthful market and introduce the pleasures of following the team to a new generation of cricketers and Ringers.

The day chosen to officially unveil this exciting and innovative format was an unusually hot and humid afternoon, and although we had grand plans of playing a two innings 40 over game against a Select XI comprising the best of our opponents, the take up on this occasion was sadly rather low, and we were able to attract precisely two ringers to sample the new format, plus of course, the various wives and girlfriends of the few Caribs who bothered to make themselves available to cheer us along.

With a grand total of nine cricketers, along with the usual support of our Official and Tirelessly Correct Umpire Michael Lee, unfortunately on this occasion sporting an injury sustained during "football", we were forced to hastily re-arrange the format in order to ensure that at least some cricket was played on the day. The final format chosen was a single wicket contest, where each batsman faced 24 balls and each bowler bowled four overs. Five runs were deducted when a batsman was out, with the winner being the batsman with the highest final run tally. The bowlers figures were carefully monitored so that an additional award of Best Bowler could be awarded to the bowler with the best bowling figures, and to the bowler bowling the least wides.

The team began to assemble on the boundary edge at around 2pm in hot sun and we were pleased to see that the Injury Prone and Newly Married Richard Harris had returned to the country relatively injury free after his wedding. We were less pleased to hear of the travails suffered by Chief Boy Scout, Captain and Best Batsman Martin Haigh during his trekking holiday across krjkdidszisjhlistan, where the Bag Handling abilities of British Airways had apparently plummeted to new lows. Martin, incensed to apoplexy by their incompetence, was forced to again forward one of his (now annual) letters to the Financial Times pointing out to all concerned, in no uncertain terms, exactly what he thought of the organisational skills of the hapless airline. The Carib Beer XI can only extend our thanks to the Russian Military, and no doubt NASA and the CIA, for the eventual safe return of Martin's Carib Beer XI Cricket Top from the clutches of the Taliban.

Openly Northern Phil Cordey soon arrived with his delightful wife and daughter, along with a fair proportion of the contents of two Mothercares. Unfortunately, because of the searing English heat, they were forced to retire under a tree at the opposite end of the park to take no further part in the obviously partisan cheering of the spectators crowded around a blanket on the boundary edge. And so, after sinking a few beers, the team took to the field. The new and probably unofficial categorisation of the Match was Category II / Bank of England, meaning that on field consumption of beer was permitted, assuming one could stand the withering looks of our Captain Martin Haigh that is, aghast at our apparent unprofessionalism.

The Newly Married Richard Harris, with the Newly Married Mrs Harris cheering him on, opened the batting with Newly Accepted Carib Member and Keen Wicketkeeper Andy Bowen. The duties of Captain and Leader for the day, as usual, fell on the broad shoulders of our Captain Martin Haigh who instructed the Carib's Veteran Opening Bowler Carib Rogerson to begin precedings with the ball, in the traditional manner. Although the Rusty and Ageing Fast Bowler threw down three wides in his opening over, he immediately found the edge of Carib Harris's bat. Unfortunately, diving almost full stretch, stand in wicket-keeper Carib Turner failed to hang on to the chance.

Andy Weaver bowled his first over, to be followed by the wiley spin of Ringer Moss, and the scoring ticked over slowly. Carib Cordey then bowled one of his unique 11 ball overs, bowling Andy Bowen with the one random straight one, and wiping out his carefully grafted singles. Next up was our Captain and Leader Martin Haigh who seemed to have developed the knack of bowling Mr Harris apparently at will, snaring him twice in two balls in exactly the same fashion. After batting for his four overs for a combined total of +2, Mr Harris took an over against New Batsman Phil Cordey, who played the ball with some circumspection and the bowling routine returned to Veteran Opening Bowler Carib Rogerson to continue his second over of the day.

As Mr Bowen's innings came to an end, he embarked on a flurry of savage stroke play against the gentle pace of Ringer Moss to take his tally to a respectable +14, and into the lead, and the Ageing Fast Bowler Carib Rogerson strapped on the pads to begin his innings. After suffering a poor run with the bat all season, Carib Rogerson was pleased to be facing the medium pace of Carib Turner first up, and dispatched him for three fours in his first over, the best possible start in his rush for the batting title. However, a sharp catch by Ringer Moss and another by Carib Turner on the boundary edge dented his score somewhat and saw him complete his innings on a useful +16, for now comfortably 2 runs ahead of the pack.

Ringer Duffield, playing in his first cricket match ever, flat batted almost everything that was thrown at him. Two singles and two wickets gave him his combined score of -8, a score only worsted by Ringer Moss, who after being dismissed three times saw his four singles wiped out to the tune of a combined tally of minus 11, easily the worst score of the day. Useful Batsman and New Member Steve Turner scored steadily, but his three dismissals, twice at the hands of our Captain Martin Haigh, saw him finish on a disappointing +2.

Last men at the crease were our Much Improved Batting Prospect and Tour Manager Andy Weaver and Captain and Best Batsman Martin Haigh. With the record of our Captain's many match winning innings fresh in our minds, we expected him to tear past the current highest score, Carib Rogerson's +16 and establish himself as the winning Batsman. However, as our Official Umpire, Michael Lee, had already pointed out, no member of the team had yet managed to survive his four overs without being out at least twice. Martin on this occasion was to be no different to his hapless team-mates. After smashing a tiring Carib Rogerson for four straight back over his head to get himself on his way, he was to watch in dismay as a full bunger from the veteran opening bowler uprooted his leg stump after facing only four balls. Dispairing cries of "oh my word", aimed squarely at the heavens, rent the ground for minutes afterwards as the Carib's Leader felt his grip on the valued prize slipping away.

Andy Weaver also found his stumps disturbed by the now visibly tiring Carib Rogerson and it looked like the Disappointing Batsman and Veteran Opening Bowler could yet steal his first batting honours of the 2007 season. Mr Haigh's chances were again further diminished when a firmly driven off drive off Carib Turner clattered against the edge of his bat and smashed into his stumps, to be accompanied by further anquished cries from the Master Batsman as his grip on the inaugural prize slipped away.

At the other end, after his initial stumbling overs, Tour Manager Andy Weaver began to hit his straps and move his score along, with one productive Ringer Duffield over disappearing for nine runs. Captain and Team Manager Martin Haigh attempted to hit his way to victory against the wiley left arm spin of Injury Prone Richard Harris, only to see New Member Turner take another fine catch on the boundary to a shot that would otherwise surely have sailed over the boundary for six and secured the Master Batsman the prize he so desperately coveted. None of us took any comfort in the heart rending cries from the middle as the full realisation that the prize was now almost certainly out of reach began to dawn on him.

In the end, it was Tour Manager Weaver's solid defence that finally won the day, being the only Carib to be dismissed only once and in the final over of the day, from Richard Harris, he managed to sneak past Carib Rogerson's tally and secure the much sought after prize of Best Batsman by scoring a hard fought 17 with Mr Haigh's final tally of 11 putting him in fourth place on the honours board. By way of consolation, Martin did secure the somewhat less prestigious bowling award for his 5 wickets for 7 runs, but his exhortations that surely these figures could be factored into the batting tally largely fell on deaf ears.

Worth mentioning was an over of quite fearful pace from Burnett Topped Village Blacksmith Carib Cordey, a departure from the normally flighted village green twirlers he usually bowls. His obvious pride at still being able to sling 'em down with the best of 'em bodes well for next season and provides our Captain Martin Haigh with another bowling option, and perhaps even, an alternative opening bowler, should Bouncer Bowling Ringer Jarod not be available to fill the troublesome second opening bowling berth. However, his claims that his pace, when he puts his mind to it, exceeds that of current Opening Bowler Carib Rogerson are surely premature, and the accuracy required for such a responsibility has yet to be proven.

As the team drifted towards the boundary for a well earned drink, still in glorious sunshine, our thoughts now turned to the traditional annual "swig from a can of Stella" by our illustrious Captain Martin Haigh, and whether he could indeed be induced to continue this fine tradition. It would seem that most of the team had purchased several cans in an effort to ensure that at least some survived the game and demonstrating the esteem with which the tradition is now held. However, we were not to be disappointed, as our Captain and Leader gainfully posed for photographs with the can at his lips for the assembled crowd of press photographers (i.e. the assembled WAGs) until every last one of them had had the chance to snap away to their hearts content. Surely this is a leader who appreciates good media publicity and the value of demonstrating "the common touch" by engaging in these popular, but ultimately irrelavent events for the amusement of his team. However, we trust that the decorum of our Blue Blooded leader will prevent him from getting carried away and going the way of certain politicians by donning a baseball cap or wearing flammable clothing in public in an effort to sway the public mood.

With the season now at an end, we can look back on a not too successful summer, securing as we did only two victories from NINE attempts, the worst season in our history. However, this year has seen the emergence of Mr Gooch as a Powerful Middle Order Hitter and useful fifth change bowler. Our New Members have also begun to make a telling contribution to our games, with the Wicket Keeping and Bag Carrying abilities of Mr Bowen improving with every game and the batting of Steve Turner making useful contributions at crucial times. Our Tour Manager Andy Weaver has contributed with the bat for the first time and we have seen flashes of occasional brilliance from our lower order pairing of Rich Harris and Rob Berry, our Team Statistician. We have discovered a few useful Ringers at the Bank of England and have played against some tough opposition. With the up and coming "Carib Beer XI Winter Cricketing Academy" likely to start in earnest over the winter, and assuming we can get enough interest, surely next year will see us bounce back and avenge our poor season during 2008.