Treasury v Carib Beer XI - 6th July 2006 - Regents Park.

The Carib Beer XI fell to their second defeat of the season against the Treasury and Cabinet Office Select XI. This is clearly two against one, so Carib are claiming to have been cheated on this occasion.

It didn’t look good for the Carib from the moment that the opposition arrived. They were all dressed in proper cricket whites and they even had their own kit. Then, peculiarly, they formed a semi-circle with a batsman in the middle hitting practice catches to the fielders. In reply, the Carib boys found a nice cool but safe place to hide their Stellas before taking position on the pitch, ready to bowl first.

Team news for the Carib had Mr Rogerson and Mr Weaver still out sunning themselves, Mr Harris unavailable and Mr Berry dropped after his antics last week. The rest of the Carib were present along with some of the usual mixture of ringers.

Mr Willis opened the bowling from the Pavilion End, but initial nerves and shine from the opposition’s whites got the better of him. He started with 2 very wide, wides on a dustbowl of pitch where anything straight would surely trouble any batsman. Mr Willis soon settled and with Ringer Turner and Mr Cordey sharing the bowling at the Elephant Orgasm End, the Treasury and Cabinet Office Select XI were amazingly reduced to 30-5. Mr Willis had taken 3 for 21 from his four overs, which also included a not given (but plumb) LBW appeal as the ball in between two wickets. Mr Haigh had been well positioned to add strength to the appeal, but perhaps still seeking the glory of the first hat trick for Carib, he chose not to, clearly swaying the umpires decision.

The fielding was fantastic from the Caribs, with nearly every throw hitting the stumps, even those coming in from the boundary. This was underlined when Ringer Moss brilliantly hit the stumps from 20 yards, running out Opposition Moore. The throw was even more remarkable given that he managed to hit whilst doing an impression of a girl throwing.

Catching was also excellent with Ringer Fuller and Ringer Linch both taking exceptional low catches in the covers. Mr Haigh was guilty of putting down a difficult chance, but with a frustrated throw from 30 yards, he hit the middle stump with the batsman scrambling just in. Despite this, Mr Gooch was the obvious winner of the Monty Panesar award. His general fielding had been quite good, but he seems to have picked up a nasty habit of throwing a dead ball at the square leg umpire on the way back to the bowler. Future umpires are advised to wear helmets, and are pleading with Mr Haigh to have Goochie field on the off-side.

The innings progressed with Mr White and Mr Haigh putting in some good bowling performances whilst the opposition found a bit of strength in their middle order. The Treasury and Cabinet Office Select XI were did seem to lack etiquette on occasion, which was particularly apparent when a shot back over the bowlers head was greeted with screams on “I’m havin’ some of that”. A bewildered Mr Haigh was clearly seen muttering that it’s just not cricket.

Treasury and Cabinet Office Select XI finished the innings on either 105 or 109, the scorecard didn’t add up, after Mr Haigh had managed 2 wickets and forced a run out in the final over.

Chasing the average, 108 to win, the Caribs were quickly reduced to 5-4 before they knew it. This was due to a combination of ridiculously fast and straight bowling from Opposition Shields and Opposition Owen, and terrible running from the Carib. The first error came when Ringer Ford hit a decent shot through covers. He and Mr Gooch watched until the fielder had chased down the ball before they set off on a mad sprint. Ringer Ford was the chosen man to be run out, perhaps the opposition thought Mr Gooch had another run out in him. Minutes later, Mr Haigh hit a similar good shot through the covers and set off for an easy single. Mr Gooch stood leaden footed at the crease shouting “Good Shot” to Mr Haigh. Eventually, Goochie started to run, but was three yards short and didn’t ground his bat. Mr Gooch was still under the opinion that he had made his ground and informed Umpire Willis of his feelings with some choice words. Initially, the match referee was going to fine Mr Gooch his match fee for the outburst, but upon hearing that all players actually pay to play, has decided that Mr Gooch should be called a “twat” in the match report instead. Anyway, the twat was run out for 0.

After the mini collapse at the start of the innings, Mr Haigh and Ringer Bowen mounted up a few runs. Ringer Bowen initially edged everything for runs, but when he got in was able to hit a few nice shots. Mr Haigh saw off the opening bowlers before getting to 27 not out, including a fantastic 6 on the way.

Parts of the lower order were claiming that Mr Haigh and Ringer Bowen were playing for themselves and slowed the run rate too much, leaving a mountain to climb in the later stages. In reality though, the Caribs batting was poor, with Mr Willis, Mr Gooch, Ringer Turner, Ringer Ford and Ringer Moss all falling for nought. Mr Cordey claimed the “Goldie” award back from Mr Berry last week, which of course puts his position in the team in doubt, but he's happy anyway as the trophy is not too different in colour from his bright orange hair.

The Caribs batting had let them down, but they managed a respectable 79-8 off their 20 overs against their strongest ever opponents. The boys were soon over the loss. Well as soon as they found their Stellas.