Carib Beer XI vs Newman House Cardinals - June 13th 2011

Our second game of the season was against a team we held no hope of beating, the Newman House Cardinals, a real live proper league team, who play in leagues, at the weekend, and everything. A team of young university graduates who we have encountered before, during our one and only “test match” (being much more testing for us than them) two years ago when we’d taken a pasting at their wrinkle free and moisturised hands over two innings at Regent’s Park. For those of us that played in that game, our bowling figures took weeks to recover, if they ever did, and for the bowlers, the creaked necks from watching the ball sail back over their heads yet again, no doubt much longer.

Nevertheless, they’re a good bunch of guys who don’t seem to mind a bit of early season batting practice against us, so the games are generally enjoyable, and so, the inevitable pasting notwithstanding, we headed off to Wray Crescent to enjoy a pleasant game of Cricket, or “hunting the cricket ball in the undergrowth” as it should more accurately be termed. The major problem the team had to deal with this week was the loss of our talismanic captain, leader and Chairman, Martin Haigh, to other commitments meaning that the rookie vice captain, aging medium pace bowler Carib Rogerson was forced to step into the breach for what was due to be his toughest assignment of the summer.

Arriving at the park, beer in hand (the rookie skipper having at least revoked the category 1 status of the game) we were to discover two teams in attendance, one, a team of adults that looked suspiciously like the Newman House Cardinals we had expected, in ring formation on the boundary, busy hitting cricket balls to each other and practicing their catching, and a team of 12 year olds who were actually milling around en-masse on the matting pitch. No doubt our captain Martin Haigh would have soundly approved of the “Health and Safety” legislation they were obviously bound by, as they were all wearing miniature cricket helmets, resembling a group of baby Darth Vaders and awaiting instruction from the lone adult, arms akimbo, and not sure what to do with them.

After the rather obvious and predictable, but unfortunately all too true, gags that we would be better off playing against the kids team if it wasn’t for the fact that we would probably be humiliated by them too, we began to seriously wonder what as afoot, there being no ground attendant on hand for us to check the situation with. Luckily, our Team Fixture Secretary, edge finding fine leg fielder Andy Moss was on hand with a rather official looking document from the Finsbury Park council confirming our own booking of the facilities and he promptly set off in search of the legendary “hut” said to house ground officials when they’re not in attendance at the ground. After some time, and with order still not yet established on the matting strip, our Fixture Secretary returned with the gentleman in question and some spirited discussions ensued with the teacher during which it was discovered that the ground was double booked. Not giving an inch, Carib Moss contacted the very highest echelons of the council by telephone in an effort to secure the ground for us. Unfortunately for our bowling figures, he was successful, and the kids were forced off the pitch, although probably not yet appreciating their valuable lesson in disappointment that will no doubt stand them in good stead for their future careers.

Now confident of a game, the rookie skipper Carib Rogerson, and the Newman House skipper entered into the preliminary negotiations concerning the rules, and embarked on the toss. Carib Rogerson was, on this occasion, successful (something unfortunately not to repeated for the remainder of the evening) and decided to insert the opposition in an effort to ensure a decent game. Rounding up his troops, we headed out into the unknown to do battle with their openers hoping that we could at least restrict them to something not too embarrassing. Although our Rookie Skipper, Carib Rogerson, claimed to have put in some planning beforehand concerning his field placings and tactics, these were largely constrained by the boundary ropes, and the inability to be able to post fielders two streets away, as would have been preferable. Nevertheless, with everyone assembled, the game began, with the old medium pacer himself, Carib Rogerson, opening the bowling, with compulsive and erratic half track bouncer bowling Carib Worthy taking the second over.

Like the first 10 minutes of Saving Private Ryan, things began to unravel all too quickly. Carib Rogerson’s accuracy, demonstrated during last week’s game, deserted him entirely, as he threw down several appalling leg side wides in his first over. From the other end, and rather more predictably, Carib Worthy attempted to replicate his dreadful bouncer bowling of the previous week and threw down ever shorter and wider deliveries and an attempt to avoid being pummelled for more boundaries by the Newman House top order. After two overs, they already had 21 on the board, after 3, 33, and after 4, 44 runs. The initial carnage was only ended, temporarily, by an uncharacteristic straight one from the Carib Old Timer, Skipper Rogerson, that removed the middle stump of opener “Handy” (of whom we can confirm, he most definitely is). Things improved somewhat over the next few overs as the two bowlers completed their four over allotment leaving the Newman House on a very healthy 70-1 after 8.

Now into the middle overs, it was the turn of our battery of slow grenade chuckers to be brought into the attack, beginning with last week’s master blaster, Carib Cordey, brimming with confidence after taking the Old Boy’s attack apart the previous week. We didn’t have to wait long for him to strike. His first delivery was hammered towards deep mid on, however instead of flying over the ropes, the ball hurtled towards our best boundary fielder, second best batsman and newest member Dan Tungate who grasped the ball from thin air to give Mr Cordey a well deserved wicket. From the other end, Mr Tungate himself came on to bowl three very useful overs, bowling Newman House Smith and taking a smart caught and bowled to dismiss Newman Houseman while Mr Cordey wheeled away from the other end with his usual mixture of fizzing top spinners. However, the flurry of wickets had brought Newman House Driscoll to the crease. He began quietly, nurdling his first two balls for singles, and with Mr Tungate counting his chickens, and not wishing to dent his so far excellent bowling figures, retiring to the boundary once more, Carib Willis was brought into the attack to bowl at him.

What happened next was comical by anyone’s standards, and was a spectacle hugely enjoyed by both teams (probably) and, no doubt, the assembled ranks of spectators (although, given how high they must have been – if the smell wafting across the field was anything to go by – they would probably have laughed at anything). Anyhow, Barry’s first ball was smashed straight past him for four. The next went the same way, pulled to perfection by Newman Driscoll. The third flew over the boundary for six and after only three balls Barry’s bowling figures were already well and truly mangled. The next delivery was again smashed towards the boundary straight towards the stoutly but reassuring figure of Village Blacksmith Carib Cordey patrolling the boundary ropes at long on .. however, as so often happens when luck’s against you, and to Barry’s astonishment, the ball sped straight through Carib Cordey’s knees while the old northerner looked down in dismay, and easily reached the boundary edge for another four. Barry’s fourth ball was this time smashed towards cover, crossing the boundary like a bullet and Newman Driscoll was already into his twenties and close to retirement. His final ball sealed it, however, smashed over the ropes for the final six of the over, and leaving Barry bereft and stunned by the carnage meted out to his inoffensive little twirlers. Although Barry was no doubt heartened somewhat to see the batsman now retiring and heading towards the boundary, going for 28 in your first over is never good – especially when your skipper, trying desperately not to burst out laughing, then promptly informs you that you’ve still got to bowl your allotted four overs before being given a rest.

Although Barry did manage to take a wicket before he had completed his spell, his eventual figures of 4–0–52–1 are probably a club record, even for the Caribs, and even surpasses the legendary punishment meted out to Carib White two seasons ago, which is still touted as historically the worst Carib bowling spell of all time. Given Barry’s desperation for awards and recognition, this at least should settle his mind somewhat, even if the reasons for his notoriety are not quite as he would have hoped. The remainder of the Newman House innings continued in a similar vein, with Carib Cordey returning to complete his spell, and Injury Prone Carib Harris even taking an over, and the score continuing towards and past the 150 mark, usually the high water mark of the scores our oppositions usually reach when about to administer a sound thrashing. Eventually, however, their innings came to and end on 179 after 20 overs, by far the highest score we have conceded against any opposition, and as we left the field, shell-shocked and bruised, we looked forward to a gentle 20 overs of batting without the customary requirement of having to bother chasing a target we knew to be far out of our reach. Our ambitions would be somewhat lower, lasting out our 20 overs and, if possible, avoiding a complete embarrassment.

Lacking, perhaps surprisingly, volunteers for the opening berth, aging stand in skipper Carib Rogerson decided to open, and hoping to demonstrate at least a reasonable opening stand against the new ball bowlers, dragged our best batsman and long on fielder Carib Tungate out with him. Initially, they didn’t do too bad, playing correctly, and looking relatively untroubled. However, as good as the shots that were played looked, they were generally picked off in the field and returned bullet like to the wicketkeeper before any kind of run could be considered – Our Skipper old Medium Pacer Carib Rogerson being especially circumspect following his shocking run out the week before. Nevertheless, it wasn’t to last. In the third over, Carib Rogerson played all round fine Newman House Ben Yorker and lost his middle stump, trudging back to the boundary for a miserable 1 run.

Next in, Carib Harris, lasted a single delivery before he too was back in the hutch. Andy Bowen, our keen but butter fingered Wicket Keeper, was next into the fray. He managed a solitary single before attempting to repeat a move from Saturday night’s Strictly Come Dancing, jumping two feet in the air, his bat twirling to one side, and apparently attempting to stamp on the ball as it passed. He missed, and the ball thudded into his pads, dead plum in front of the stumps. On this occasion even our relentlessly correct and determined “not outer” official umpire Michael Lee was forced to raise his finger. Whether he was awarding a solitary point for his efforts to dance around the ball, or was giving him out, or just giving him the finger was settled when Mr Bowen turned and trudged off the field to the enquiries of his team mates regarding what exactly he was attempting to do – should the hackneyed “beaten for pace” explanation not suffice.

Wicket Keeper Carib Bowen was replaced at the wicket by our occasional hard hitting single scorer, the six foot six figure of Carib Glen Gooch who, as he swings his huge bat around his shoulders during his progress to the crease, always looks like he is about to deliver a sound thrashing. Unfortunately on this occasion, he too was to fall first ball, completely mystified by the full toss that splayed his stumps across the turf. The Caribs, by now, were four down with barely 10 on the board. Not only had we given away a huge innings deficit, we were in danger of throwing away our chance to redeem ourselves with the bat too. However, Carib Cordey, whose lusty blows of the previous week gave us some hope, was next in, and strode out to face the relentless Newman House attack. His first ball was bludgeoned, Cordey-Like, to the boundary fence, and our spirits rose expecting more fireworks from the flame haired northerner. Alas, by his second ball it was all over for him too, his stumps smashed to the four winds and the long Carib tail looking dangerously exposed.

So as our tail, in the form of Carib Willis, holder of the Carib Record for the worst ever spell of bowling, trudged out to bat, we at least looked on the bright side, an early exit to the pub while it was still light. Carib Willis, fresh from avoiding every Winter Net Session at the Carib Winter Performance Squad Academy, again failed to connect with anything, although his attempts at defensive shots did at least deny the Newman House bowlers a wicket for a few balls. From the other end of course, our reliable and currently best batsman, Carib Tungate, was progressing nicely, playing the anchor role around which it was hoped the Carib middle, and now lower, orders would bat. As the Newman House Skipper, perhaps feeling sorry for us, or perhaps not quite yet ready to go drinking, brought on his “lesser” bowlers in an attempt to prolong the evening, Carib Tungate began to climb into them, despatching two sixes and two fours and looking for all the world like the batsman the other ten of us could only aspire to.

Unfortunately, however, and rather predictably, Carib Willis’s dreadful game was mercifully brought to a close, falling to a fine catch for nought after only facing 12 deliveries. Ringer Gray, buoyed by our victory last week, and playing in his second (and possibly last !) game for the Caribs, was next in and positioned himself at the bowlers end, content, for the time being, to witness the carnage from 22 yards away. Unfortunately, Mr Tungate at the other end, played a forward defensive shot and stood back to admire it. Not realising that we were playing cricket, and not baseball, and that running was not therefore compulsory, Ringer Gray immediately began sprinting down towards him. As the ball trickled past him it was quietly snaffled by the bowler, who gently removed the bails behind him, with Ringer Gray stranded hopelessly out of his crease without even having faced a ball. That he has now faced 1 delivery and been out TWICE while playing in the Carib colours probably puts him below even Carib Willis in the season’s long litany of on field ineptitude.

What happened, next, however, was a genuine surprise to all of us. The Newman House skipper, disappointed at our dismal efforts against the second string bowlers no doubt, resorted to his real Ringers, the two or three genuine non-bowlers in the team, to bowl at us, of whom one, it was claimed, had never bowled a ball in his life. That he came off a twenty yard run up, however, and still managed to hurry up our late order nurdlers, belied this cliam somewhat. Nevertheless, at the crease now (Carib Tungate having completed his admirable innings and retired on 28) were two of our slowest but most reliable nurdlers, Caribs Moss and Berry, by now our only hope of seeing out our allotted 20 overs. There was even talk on the boundary that they may let us take our innings again – although this caused some consternation and alarm to our stand in skipper and opener Carib Rogerson, hard at work on the scorebook and now onto his third consolation can of beer. However, after what happened, we needn’t have worried, as the two young nurdlers actually managed to remain at the crease, keeping the Newman House bowlers at bay, if not actually managing to cause the score board operator too much unnecessary inconvenience.

Whatever the Newman House bowlers threw at them, they flat batted it straight back to them, or if it was missing, they missed it too. Eight overs to go soon became six, and then five, and with both of them close to double figures, they even began to play some shots. Carib Moss in particular discovered a new and rare talent, the ability to edge the ball to fine leg almost at will. On several occasions he could be seen swinging at wide deliveries only to see them pass tantalisingly out of reach of the almost horizontal wicketkeeper as he desperately tried to stop them racing away for runs. On one occasion, Carib Moss even tried to top edge a rising delivery, and connected with it perfectly. We all watched on in amazement as the ball sailed high into the air, and straight over the fine leg boundary for six. Andy was later to claim that this was a deliberately played late cut, or Moss-Scoop, but whether the truth of this will ever be known remains to be seen.

Nevertheless, the late flurry of runs and by far the highest stand of our innings at least helped to ensure that we would bat out our overs and take our score somewhere close to the hundred mark. However, it wasn't to last, and on the monumental score of 20, our new nurdler in chief, Carib Moss was to fall to the returning opening bowlers, determined by now, no doubt, to end the game in quick time and get down the pub. His replacement, the compulsive mid pitch bouncer bowler Jarrod Worthy again failed to score before he too spooned up a catch, departing, once again, for nought. For the last few balls our best batsman and by far the highest scorer, New Member and previously retired Dan Tungate made a brief appearance in the middle, lasting only another four balls before he too fell to another smart Newman House catch, bringing to a close our rather tortuous reply on a quite reasonable, considering the dreadful start we'd had, 89 runs. The margin of defeat was the largest in our history, 111 runs, and the memory of our victory the previous week, now a distant memory. However, there was still beer to be finished off and we all headed off to the pub to discuss the evening's events, and poke fun at Barry Willis's bowling figures.

Carib Beer XI Lose by 111 Runs

Scorecard