Carib Beer XI vs IBM - June 18th 2009

This week, the Carib Boys and their ringers found themselves up against some new opposition, and in the unfamiliar surroundings of Tooting Bec in South London. After a longer than usual trek down the Northern Line, we found ourselves at the new ground, completely deserted, with no boundary, and only a small cut section of the ground an indication that we had probably correctly located the cricket pitch we were due to play on. Only a single lone sentry sat close to the pavilion like building, fully boarded up, as can be expected in that part of town, intent on completing some task on his IBM laptop, suggested that we may actually have some opposition. A long debate raged about how to lay out some semblance of a boundary rope, and what part of the running track that circled the ground could be fairly said to be roughly where a boundary should be. For most of it, however, we settled on the various siting of kit bags at a rough distance from the pitch, although, on one side, this left us with a very short boundary, one that would be targeted frequently during the course of the game.

Within our ranks, we were pleased to be able to report that Bludgeoning Flame Haired Northerner Phil Cordey had now returned to Carib Colours from Frankfurt, in Germany, after having obviously enjoyed the Teutonic cuisine to such an extent that his Carib top appeared to have been spray painted on. However, Phil's hard hitting batting and occasional tweakers would certainly be needed, as the course of the game was to demonstrate. Ringer wise, we were able to field Floppy Hatted village green twirler Rob Bailey, and the colourful Chris Williams, who had only agreed to play at 4.56 pm on the day, having frantically rushed around the Bank of England Gym in a desperate effort to locate the most colourful and ill-matched set of clothes to have ever made an appearance on a cricket pitch. His attendance was also secured by the tacit agreement that he would not be bound by the game's category 1 status, as the other Caribs would be, much to our captain Martin Haigh's continued frustration when during the game, various sounds that could have resembled the opening of a beer tin were covered up with varying degrees of success and some measure of outright subterfuge. One particular excuse, that the SSHHHTT sound of the latest tin being opened was in fact due to the rustling of a cat in a tree engaged in attempting to catch a Tooting Red Necked Parrot that had taken up residence on a neighboring branch, was one of the more inventive.

As we waited for our opposition to arrive, which they began to do, we practiced out in the middle. Flame Haired Northern Bludgeoner Carib Cordey attempted to demonstrate that he was still able to play cricket after his long absence by joining in, and put so much effort into his first delivery in over 2 years, that the effort caused him to collapse onto the ground and cut his knee in three places. He declined to repeat the experience.

Nevertheless, as the evening got underway, our Captain, Best Batsman and Leader Martin Haigh discussed the plans for the game with the opposition captain and agreed to a toss up, having failed to agree with him that a gentleman's' agreement might be more appropriate, given that only half the opposition had turned up and that therefore, it made more sense if they batted first. The efforts Martin is now going to, to avoid losing the toss, surely only matched by Ringer Williams's attempts to hide his beer drinking. However, to our great surprise, Martin actually WON the toss so was able to fall back on his original plan that the opposition bat first, by inserting them, and as usual, he began to round up the troops and we headed out into the field to prepare to receive their opening batsmen.

The Aging swing bowler, Carib Rogerson, and Bouncer Bowling Ringer Jarrod Worthy were given the job of opening the bowling. Carib Rogerson, bowling downhill, began a little out of sorts, sending down a couple of leg siders, stretching the talents of our Keen Wicketkeeper, Andy Bowen. His first over even included a wide, something unheard of for our accurate, but aging, medium pacer, and his first of the season. Second over, the Compulsive Bouncer Bowler Jarod Worthy saw his first two balls smashed to the boundary for two huge sixes by opening Batsman Worsley, and their innings appeared to be off to a flyer.

However, in Carib Rogerson's second over, a lifting delivery caught the top edge of opening Batsman Nandans bat, and flew through to our Keen Wicketkeeper Andy Bowen who took the catch at head height, and we had our first wicket. Next man in, however, was the opposition captain White, all dressed in expensive whites, with badges and colours, cap and thigh pads. He certainly looked the part, and we assumed, would be a tough proposition. However, on this occasion, the fates intervened on the side of the Caribs, and Carib Rogerson's second ball to him struck a small divot on the ground, and not getting more than 3 inches off the ground, flew under the tall batsman's flailing bat and clattered into the stumps. We had our second wicket. Unfortunately, from the other end, Ringer Worthy continued to be dispatched to the boundary by the other opener, and it didn't take him long to reach 27 before being forced to retire, with the Bouncer Bowling Ringer's figures in tatters, and mercifully, he was withdrawn from the attack in favour of our newest Quick Bowler, Carib Uttam. Carib Rogerson bowled out his four overs, but continued to struggle with accuracy. However, his final ball induced a thick edge from IBM Drinkwater that flew up towards Carib Cordey, ensconced in the fly slip position. The Northern Bakery Magnate threw himself into the air, and pulled off a stunning one handed catch, proving to anyone who still doubted it, that we needed the Flame Haired Big Hitter back within our ranks.

After Carib Rogerson had completed his four overs, our Captain and Team Manager Martin Haigh brought himself into the attack, downhill, and immediately, it began to unravel as Martin was obviously having an off day with the ball. His first over went for 10, which included 1 wide, but his second went for even more, and included 3 of them. Clearly our usually reliable line and length bowling Captain and Talisman was struggling and he removed himself from the attack after only two overs. He was able, however, regain his confidence somewhat by taking a fine return catch from IBM Winslow, but was not sufficiently inclined by the experience to give himself another over, demurring instead, to the occasionally accurate slow bowler Carib Willis, inexplicably, the current holder of the Carib Beer XI bowling award.

The first ball of Carib Willis's over was to witness the most controversial moment of the game, when for some unfathomable reason, he was called for no-balling, after having barely let go of the ball. Turning to the IBM umpire to determine the reason, we were shocked to find out that it was apparently for the reason that the Slow Bowling Nurdler had failed to inform the umpire of the delivery method, e.g. Right Arm Filth, over the wicket, which the umpire was under the impression Barry was law bound to do.

It's not often that one has sympathy for Mr Willis in any capacity, but on this occasion, he was clearly wronged, the laws, as clearly stated in the score book, are along the lines of ....

"The umpire SHALL ASCERTAIN (author's own capitals) whether the bowler intends to bowl right handed or left handed, over or around the wicket, and shall so inform the striker. It is unfair (ONLY) if the bowler fails to notify the umpire of a subsequent change in the method of delivery .. etc etc"

Nevertheless, the hapless Nurdler was forced to retake the ball, and we all felt that a terrible miscarriage of justice had been done. In the event, Carib Willis's remaining deliveries were to trouble the runs and extras columns, somewhat more than they were to trouble the wickets column. The retention of the, inexplicably won, Carib Beer XI bowling award is continuing to look like a distant dream. The IBM umpire, however, was to be involved in further controversy by failing to give an obvious run out attempt by Carib Rogerson who had, amazingly, given his propensity for letting balls run through his feet on the boundary, caught a ball on the full and threw down the stumps from 15 yards away while aiming at a single stump with the IBM Batsman obviously out of his ground by some distance. The umpires confident dismissal of the subsequent appeal, when he was still stood some distance from the stumps and apparently looking the other way, similarly failed to endear his umpiring abilities to the Carib Team.

Nevertheless, the IBM middle order had now been exposed and with Northern Bludgeoner Carib Cordey bowling his wily left arm spin, bowling IBM Batson (who had already, apparently, passed the 25 mark without being asked to retire). Chris Williams, the Carib's boozed up Ringer, was also brought on to bowl, and although failing to dismiss the only female member of the opposition, was able to induce IBM Mays to spoon a catch up to our Captain and Leader Martin Haigh, who luckily, given his recent habit of dropping sitters, took the catch, giving Mr Williams his first ever wicket. Jarod Worthy, our keen Bouncer Bowling ringer was now thrown the ball, to complete his four overs. He was able to dismiss, on this occasion, a young lady, by having her caught by his dependable Floppy Hatted Ringer Colleague, Rob Bailey. Whether we were more surprised by Rob taking a catch, or Jarod taking a wicket, it eventually dawned on us that we had now managed to dismiss the entire team.

However, as the IBMers had only nine men and a lady, a request was relayed to our Captain Martin in the middle about whether one of their batsman would be permitted to bat again. Our captain relented, and we now had a reappearance of IBM White, who had failed to trouble the scorers earlier in the innings, but who is obviously well regarded as a batsman by the rest of his team, trudging out once again to the middle. However, to his obvious disappointment, a well aimed Jarod Worthy bouncer was gleefully smacked towards the boundary. Fortunately, for us, however, he had managed to top edge it, and the ball looped up into the air, towards Carib Willis, patiently waiting on the boundary. Although Barry did his best to juggle it out of his grasp, the ball eventually stuck, leaving the poor Carib Nurdler with a bruised and reddened hand, something he was to remind us of for the remainder of the evening. Given that, on paper, the IBM batting line up had looked strong, and had, on occasion, looked like pushing on to a score, good bowling, good fielding, and the odd bit of assistance from the variable bounce in the pitch, we'd managed to restrict them to a quite reasonable 114, although given our potential for middle order collapses, still a score that would test our batting card.

In reply, our slow scoring Tour Manager Andy Weaver, and our newest Carib Member, Carib Uttam opened the batting. Although the IBM attack was somewhat pacey, it was also very erratic, and our newest member climbed into it, smashing the ball to all parts, and targeting particularly, the short boundary. His remarkable innings of only 8 balls included 3 fours and two huge sixes, and after only 4 overs, we had scored 44 runs. Uttam was forced to retire after only around 3 overs of our innings had been completed, and we hoped, that if the remainder of the team could replicate this form, victory would be a formality.

However, as usual, things didn't go entirely according to plan. Next in was our Captain, Leader and one-time best batsman Martin Haigh, fully equipped with the Carib Team Helmet, and other diverse types of padding, siting the reason as the variable bounce he had witnessed while bowling. He nudged and nurdled for almost an over, resolutely failing to get the ball off the square, before, as has sadly been a feature of Martin's batting this year, skying a catch up to a close fielder, and being dismissed for a sad and miserable 1 run, but at least his head had remained intact and unthreatened by his protective helmet during the course of the five balls he had faced.

However, even those five balls were to witness the calamitous run out of our Tour Manager, Andy Weaver, who, in Martin's desperation to get off the mark, was forced to charge headlong down the wicket to a Haigh nurdle that barely traveled 10 feet before being snapped up by a close in fielder and hurled back to the Wicketkeeper with our hapless tour manager still yards from safety. Our unlucky Tour Manager was in a decidedly unpleasant humour by the time he had got back to the boundary, as it's not often he reaches the dizzy heights of ten runs, and having his innings so cruelly decapitated by his Captain was a desperately sad way to end as it's by no means clear when our slow scoring Tour Manager will ever get the chance of a double digit score again, which made the desperate dismissal doubly cruel.

Carib Willis was next in, along with the Floppy Hatted Twirler and Ringer Rob Bailey, who were both, amazingly, to provide the anchor that by now, our batting card so desperately needed. Although our race towards the target had slowed considerably since the heady heights of the first four overs, their innings were punctuated by just enough fours and singles to keep us in contention. By the time Sacked Vice Captain Willis had crawled towards and past 25, and the floppy hatted ringer had punctuated his dot balls with sufficient numbers of fours to progress towards a very useful 20, we were only around 30 runs from victory and still seemed to have enough overs to get them in.

Carib Rogerson relieved the slow scoring Ex Vice Captain on his retirement, and the slow scoring continued, as although there continued to be the odd single and four, the number of dot balls began to seriously threaten to derail our run chase. Luckily for the team, the Aging Medium Pacer Carib Rogerson was finally bowled for 9, bringing the Northern Village Blacksmith Carib Cordey to the crease, hoping that he'd be able to get our run chase back on track with some of his uncultured, but highly affective hoiks over mid wicket. For a full one ball, we were not to be disappointed, as his swinging blade smote a hard struck boundary that rocketed over the ropes. Unfortunately, his second ball missed everything except the stumps, and the Northern Bakery Magnate trudged back to the ropes, the Carib tail now painfully exposed, and with batting time fast running out.

However, the number of wides, byes and singles had put us within reach and needing only single figures to win. Bank Ringer Chris Williams, obviously completely intoxicated following his surreptitiously imbibed cans of beer on the boundary while waiting to bat, incurring all kinds of tuts and comments from our Captain Martin Haigh in the process, came out to bat next. His intoxication prevented him from making any kind of contact with his first delivery, and although he did hit his second, it was onto the stumps, and he was able to return to the boundary to complete the task of consuming his final beer in peace.

Now seriously down to our last men, the two retirees notwithstanding, it was left to our Bouncer Bowling Ringer Jarod Worthy to stride out to the crease in his whites and smite his first delivery to the boundary for four, surpassing the IBM score, with, what actually seemed at the conclusion like plenty of time left in the game. It's not often we win actual proper category 1 games, on account of our oppositions usually being too good for this hapless band of occasional but keen village cricketers, but on this occasion, we had pulled it off, although to be fair, it it hadn't been for the Man of the Match performance by our newest member, Carib Uttam who had got us off to a huge flyer up front, the run chase would have been decidedly more nerve racking and difficult than it ended up being.

Carib Beer XI Win by 4 Wickets

Carib Cordey, poised on the boundary, just prior to his 1 ball innings	Carib Cordey's one ball innings in progress	Carib Rogerson losing his middle stump	Ringer Williams downs another serruptitious beer while Martin's back is turned
Carib Cordey puffs out his considerable chest	Carib Willis after yet another failure	Carib Willis, batting, yesterday	Carib Uttam presides over another IBM delivery
Carib Willis batting with ringer Bailey	Ringer Bailey in full swing	Uttam and Ringer Bailey, with an IBM Bowler	Another IBM Delivery
Carib Willis smashes another single	Carib Willis looks like he is actually middling another single	Carib Willis discusses tactics with tin hatted and protected captain Haigh	Ringer Bailey completes another fine back foot drive.

Scorecard