Carib Beer XI vs Metronet - June 19th 2008

For our third game of the season we found ourselves facing a team we hadn't had the pleasure of before, namely, the combined talents of the Metronet company whose recent slide into bankruptcy and ownership by Ken Livingstone had evidently done nothing to dent their cricketing ability. As the first members of the Carib Beer XI began to dribble into Regents Park, and somewhat unsure initially which pitch we were playing on, we desperately hoped it wasn't the pitch already containing at least 11 players, all dresssed in whites, and proceeding to hit throw downs, knock stumps out of the ground and practising their catching. Unfortunately, as we approached the pitch, we were to be sadly disabused of the notion that they were simply another team using our ground for practice, but were in fact our opposition.

The only thing that assauged our concerns somewhat, was the fact that they were able to point to a local office block as the locality of their employment and that that in fact was the reason for their early arrival. Nevertheless, the trickle of Carib Players and Ringers arriving at the ground didn't look good for a timely commencement to the match. Rudderless and leaderless without our Leader, Best Batsman and Club Chairman Martin Haigh, who had yet to arrive, temporary Phil Cordey replacement Carib Willis stepped up to the plate, came to the party and approached the opposition captain, Taps, to discuss the commencement of the toss. In a toss, of which Mr Haigh himself would have been proud, Carib Willis duely lost, and we were inserted, in the hope that the arrival of the rest of the team would be sufficiently rapid to keep up with the wicket loss rate.

Luckily, the eventual arrival of our Captain Martin Haigh allowed some return to normality, and Ringers Guy and Uttam were selected to open the batting, hoping that two of our better batsmen could get us off to a reasonable start. Initially, both openers started slowly but solidly, against the deceptively accurate Metronet opening bowlers, Ajay in particular proving particularly difficult to get away. However, into the third over, with Carib Willis officiating, Ringer Uttam was struck on the pads, or if Ringer Uttam is to be believed, on the top of his head. Sadly, our stand in red head raised his finger and we were one down and one of our better batsmen was back in the hutch. Carib Willis explained to Ringer Uttam, on completion of the match, that if he really did believe the ball to be as far down the legside as he claimed, this perhaps explained the reason for missing it by such a wide margin. However, without the services of Sky Television's Hot Spot, television replays or Hawkeye, it's likely to be a controversy that runs and runs.

Andy Bowen was next in but failed to trouble the scorers to any great extent and Ringer Guy fell for a battled two. Next in was Ringer Phil, someone we have been on the business end of before, having smashed the hapless Carib bowlers all round the park while representing one of our opposition teams, and clearly slumming it by playing for us. We hoped that he could replicate his previous form against us, and for a while, we were not to be disappointed, and as Carib wickets were falling around him, he remained at the crease and kept our score ticking over. However, the Metronet bowlers kept up the pressure and the Caribs continued to lose wickets, Carib Steve for 2, Aging Bowler Carib Rogerson for a miserable duck and the now useful nurdler, Carib Berry, for 6. Unfortunately, Ringer Phil's stay at the crease was to end on 17, a useful contribution, but far less than we had been hoping for, given our own dreadful batting performance. However, with the arrival of our Captain, Leader and Best Batsmen Martin Haigh to the crease our spirits rose and we expected our leader to deliver another one of his scorecard / morale / match saving Captain's innings.

Unfortunately, Metronet Reza, the wily and deceptively hittable slow bowler took him on, flighting one up and teasing Martin to hit him to the boundary. Martin duly accepted the bait and danced down the wicket, flung himself into a paroxism of coiled energy and unleashed a huge and expansive drive, which, had he connected, would surely have brought down a satellite. Sadly, although the pressure wave created by the swinging bat was rumoured to have killed a few monkeys, the ball found its way through Martin's defences and struck his stumps. Martin looked heavenward, bereft and bewildered, and began his long slow trudge back to the boundary, and with him, our last hope of a decent score, for a truly disappointing 5.

By now, the morale of the team had disintegrated, and saddened by Martin's failure, Tour Manager Andy Weaver and reliable line and length bowler Carib White sat in and attempted to at least use up all our overs. With the early loss of Martin, Andy Weaver, evidently himself crushed by his captain's failure, played a truly extaordinary innings, taking 29 balls to eak out his four runs. Someone evidently has his eye on the end of season awards, although "The Slowest And Most Excruciatingly Boring Innings, like, ever, Award" will need to be inaugurated this year for him to have any chance of winning one. However, we did manage to bat out our 20 overs, and with the appreciated assistance of the extras column, today showing 19, we had managed to battle our way to an at least, semi-respectable 70 for 8, although we didn't anticipate that this would present much of a target to the Metronet Batsmen.

Ringer Uttam, the useful, but somewhat erratic and pacy Ringer, bowled the first over into the wind, alllowing the ageing and by now Medium Pace Carib Opening Bowler Rogerson to bowl with the wind from the other end (for a change). Ringer Uttam, although failing to take any wickets, was at least able to restrict the Metronet openers, who were unfortunately, not showing any signs of being seriously tested by either bowler. Carib Rogerson, however, took some stick, going for 13 from his first two somewhat erratic overs, following which, we was removed from the attack, allowing Newish Member Steve Turner to take over.

Steve Turner was the first bowler to strike, removing opener Matt for 15, but by now, the Metronet Batsmen were on their way. Martin Haigh, our Captain and leader, then brought himself on to bowl, and with his very first ball, was able to induce the other opening Batsmen, Metronet Kawar, into an expansive drive. The ball looped up over Carib Willis's head, Barry ran after it, stopped, had second thoughts, ran again, appeared to give up entirely, then threw himself full length across the outfield, grasping desperately with one hand and taking a truly memorable catch over his head. The chances of tripping up and falling over your feet at such an opportune moment, directly into the path of a possible catch, are surely as remote as Barry getting an LBW decision correct, but we were nevertheless pleased by the co-incidence. Ringer Phil also managed to sneak a somewhat dubious LBW decision (well, dubious in the sense that Barry thought it was out) with his first delivery. Unfortunately, the rest of his over went for 10 and he was not asked to repeat the exercise.

However, by now, the Metronet Batsmen was closing in on their target, although evidently not as quick as they could have. The suspicion that they were giving their own Ringers a bat to draw the game out can't be dismissed as a possible reason for this, however, as the middle order was plainly not inclined to smash us out of the park in the manner of their openers, who swatted most of our bowling away as you would an errant mosquito. Carib Rogerson was able to return and rescue his figures somewhat by bowling two successive maidens, and unbelievably, we found that there were only around 3 overs left and the Metronet still shy of their target. Carib Willis was again in the action, taking two wickets in two balls, one of which was assisted by a magnificant catch by Carib Nurdler in chief Gordon, who flung himself at least as far as Carib Willis had previously, to pull off what was, debatably, the second best catch of the match.

The calls from the boundary, by now urging the sluggish middle order to finish things off and whack it, betrayed the complacency with which the Metronet Batsmen had treated the middle overs. However, whack it they did, and to be honest, any thoughts we had that we could push them to the wire evaporated and they sailed past our score with more than two overs left and had never looked like not making the target.

However, although we had never seriously troubled them, with either the bat or the ball, we had failed to embarass ourselves and hopefully did enough to secure the opportunity of a return match next year.

Carib Beer XI Lose by 5 wickets

Ringer Phil on his way to the highest Carib Score of the match	Steve Turner begins his miserable walk back to the boundary	Emerging Batsman Carib Berry at the non strikers end	Ringer Phil again hitting out
Emerging Batsman Carib Berry at the non striker's end	Emerging Batsman Carib Berry, still at the non strikers end	The Carib Beer XI on the boundary edge	Ringer Phil playing some proper cricket shots
Carib Rogerson missing his first, and ultimately, penultimate delivery of his innings	Ringer Phil batters the opposition bowlers	Martin Haigh preparing to smite the next delivery into the Monkey enclosure	Martin Haigh, distraught, after his short but memorable innings.
Tour Manager Andy Weaver practicing his forward defensive shot without a ball	Carib White tossing up a long one	A member of the opposition just prior to taking another Carib Wicket	Our Captain and Leader Martin Haigh's "beer can" chastity belt designed to prevent on-field drinking

Scorecard