Carib Beer XI vs Old Boys, Greenwich Park,

Wednesday 19th July 2017

A sunny July evening saw the Caribs up against their first ever opponents from 2004, the Old Boys. The rivalry is akin to footballing rivalry of Southend United and Leyton Orient. The Caribs comparable to Southend as the regular victor in the encounter, with the Old Boys non-league part timers.

The Caribs turned up in their numbers, with Swanand cancelling his annual family holiday just so he could take the opportunity to improve his average. Mr Weaver had got so physically excited that he split his trousers. Unfortunately for Carib Rogerson, his averages are already good enough so he did go on holiday and missed the streaking.

Martin had forwarded on the Old Boys team sheet ahead of the match and it proved a relief to former colleagues to see they were all still alive and kicking. To their full credit the Old Boys had pulled together 11 people to try and play, which is 6 more than Leyton Orient managed last season. It’s worth noting at this stage that the Old Boys have been named as such since 2004, so they are taking the piss a little with their name now. Something more appropriate will be used for the remainder of the report.

Anyway, Martin won the toss and decided that the Caribs should have a bat. Perhaps he didn’t fancy another match report talking about echolocation. Moss and Gooch went in for a bat, whilst Jarrod went out as an additional fielder, despite sporting a beard normally seen only on men drinking 2 litre bottles of strong cider at 9am.

As the game got off to a slow start, Swanand was practicing his golf swing during his warm up. He meant serious business he did, like Cordey and Ed Sheeran having a debate about who is most orange. It didn’t take long for Swanand to get the opportunity to use his swing after Moss was cheaply against “their best bowler”, which turned out to mean that he bowled less than 3 wides per over. Swanand “Spieth” Kant took out said golf swing immediately and holed out in one. As he returned to his team mates they gave him full support by trying to have him join in with their laughter.

All of this made for a great start for the Geriatrics who had pinned the Caribs back to 1 for 2. Willis was next into bat, sooner than he had expected and not giving him time for his two Snickers to get past his oesophagus. This probably inspired the marathon innings that followed (boom boom). His 25 not out anchored the Caribs innings and most people watching commented that it was part of a "scintillating" man of the match performance.

At the other end, Goochie was the first Carib ever to carry his bat for the sum total of 13 valuable runs. At one stage it looked more likely that he was going to collapse in a heap after a mixture of running numerous quick 2 & 3’s and chasing after the bowling to have a chance of hitting it before it was called as wide. The Goochie exercise regime has clearly slipped since his days of playing rugby for London Irish Amateur 5ths. Maybe he was inspired by his favourite, now non-league, football team. Martin claimed Gooch needed all his teammates to be out before claiming he “carryied his bat”, but despite what Cricinfo says, this was clearly bullshit made up by Martin as he wasn’t first to have the achievement.

The Geriatrics struggled with their bowling in patches with Goochie at one stage growing so confident at the non-strikers end that demanded Willis got a single. Willis of course obliged as he feels supporting his teammates in pursuit of personal glory is more important than playing for his own average.

There had been a moment of controversy when opposition Mossman foresaw the future and predicted that Willis would set off running once the ball was bowled. We should perhaps call it a Mossman Prophecy as he pulled out of his bowling motion and duly took off the bails. Willis would have been in his ground had Mossman continued with his bowling motion, so Mossman received a dirty look from Umpire Lee whilst Willis requested Mossman to have a 3 match ban. Thankfully for Mossman, the other Caribs are more lenient to poor sportsmanship and he won’t receive a ban which would in effect last until 2021.

Ginger Cordey scored 26.

The Caribs ended up with 122, mainly from wides. Had we been playing extra balls for wides, some people would have died.

The Geriatrics went for a well-earned sit down, and the Caribs went out for a bit of a bowl. Carib Moss took a worldy of a catch, the type normally only seen by Caribs off their own bowling. It was catch of the season for a few minutes at least, before Willis took one, which most spectators would have considered to be slightly better, certainly if given a beer or two help during the voting process.

Midway through the innings the wicket keepers switched around. This created a strange sight with Weaver dressed in a white shirt and denim shorts (due to earlier erectile trouser split) added the wicket keeper kit and green helmet. He would have looked at home... well at home in a caravan.

As the Geriatrics reached around 100 from 18 overs, the match report writer needed to leave, with the Abellio Greater Anglia not appreciating that Essex folk need to stay out later than 9:30 seven days a week, not just Fridays and weekends. The remainder of the match report may have some inaccuracies.

"Gordon Arrived" on to bowl the 19th over and quickly skittled the remaining Geriatrics with his varying loop and Carib won by 22 runs. Martin ordered that all remaining players from both teams moved on to the local strip club for a bit of post-match action.

Jarrod was last to arrive in the club. He had spent 30 minutes sat outside next to his cloth hat, which he had been gnawed away at the edges by his hamster. It did help him collect enough money for a few beers, before he suddenly grew 5 stone of muscle, burst out through his shirt, turned green and went home.

Always P.C. Goochie was excited about his upcoming trip to India, describing how he would be setting an example of how Britain has changed since the days of the Empire as he threw another pound in the pint pot for Irena.

Mr Weaver’s had his usual lesbian girlfriend conversation, whilst Martin supped a lemonade and lime before leaving early to get home to his favourite midweek cocktail of tequila and Babestation (we know the truth).

The opposition table spent the entire evening talking about whether they were going to have cremations or burials, while Cordey expressed his concerns on the demise of the ginger gene. Since former Carib Harris is no longer available to give a shit, the group were less than sympathetic to his cause knowing all Cordey would need to do is to donate one pubic hair to science to keep the gene going for the next millennium.

Allegedly.

Carib Beer XI Win by 4 Runs

Scorecard