Carib Beer XI vs St Peter's Dad, Battersea Park,

Tuesday 23rd May 2017

St. Peter’s Dads were a new opposition for the 2017 Carib season, comprised of the male parents of pupils of the St. Peter’s private school. Although unknown to us, we were at least aware of our joint distaste for having our asses handed to us at the hands of the Ad-hoc team, who had passed their details on to us as a team we may be evenly matched against, given that both of us had declined offers to play against them due to the regular humiliations and mismatched contests. Some encouragement could also be taken from the name, Dads, which indicated that we’d not be facing any teenage tearaways, and depending on the age range of the pupils, possibly even a team with an age range to match our own somewhat veteran line-up. At the very least, as parents of no doubt well-heeled private school pupils, we could expect a chivalrous and civilised encounter.

The weather too, proved pleasant, with warm sun and clear skies, warm enough in fact, that our Brexit secretary, Carib Willis, would likely have felt able to remove whatever bandages were copiously wrapped around whatever appendage had suffered this week’s injury. Sadly, however, our Brexit secretary was still nursing his frostbitten fingers from the previous match, so was unable to join us. Absent too, was our flame haired bakery magnate, Carib Cordey, off celebrating passing 40 for the first and only time in his long and illustrious cricketing career. In fact, the Carib ranks were decidedly sparse this evening, meaning we were forced to call upon the assistance of several ringers and hangers on of unknown quality to assist us.

Happily, we were of course able to welcome the return of our Captain, Chairman, and best batsman, Martin Haigh to lead from the front once more. Unfortunately, his hiatus has seen no improvement in his coin tossing abilities, and after losing the toss once more, we were asked to bat first and Martin began the usual task of asking round for volunteers to open. Chosen for the task were ringer Charnley and perennially keen fixture secretary, Carib Moss. It was initially somewhat heartening to see the portly frame of the opposition skipper, Jamie, take the new ball for some gentle medium pace dobblers and we looked forward to a steady start from our top order.

Sadly, however, this optimism wasn’t to last, as Ringer Charnley took a quick single off the third ball, leaving our hapless fixture secretary facing. Although he managed to survive his first ball, the second witnessed a huge waft at thin air, missing the ball by at least 6 feet as the ball clattered into his stumps, leaving him dumbfounded and faced with the prospect of a long and tortuous walk back to the boundary, his hopes of a trophy in a pursuit other than being a generally good egg, in tatters once more.

Next in was the second of the evening’s ringers, Ringer Wade Edwards, a Protean co-colleague of our Chairman, Martin Haigh. He started well against the youthful Dad Charlie, young enough in fact to possibly be an Uncle, rather than an outright Dad, hitting two fours in quick succession. Sadly, perhaps mirroring the current fortunes of the Proteas national team, this wasn’t to last, and Uncle Charlie was soon able to breach his defences and send him packing back to the boundary line for a paltry 8 runs. Ringer Three, Adrian Clinkett, was next in, another of our “I haven’t played for at least 30 years” Ringer brigade, a protestation we were to hear several times during the evening each time it was suggested that they bat or bowl anything. What of course they mean is “I haven’t played for 30 years, but I was actually quite good then, but I’m just getting my excuses in early”, and so it proved with Ringer Clinkett, who clattered his first ball for 4, and looked relatively comfortable against the Dads’ attack, if a little agricultural.

From the other end, Ringer Charnley continued his advance towards his retirement score of 25 and the Carib score appeared, superficially, to be ticking over nicely. On Ringer Charnley’s retirement, the aging medium pacer, and occasional vice-skipper, Carib Rogerson joined Ringer Clinkett in the middle, and immediately set about the somewhat erratic Dads attack with some agricultural blows of his own. Uncle Dad Charlie, no longer buoyed by his dismissal of Fixture Secretary Moss, and now completely lacking the ability to land the ball on the square, sent down an over that our own bouncer bowling Carib Worthy would have been proud. The over was rumoured to have comprised around 14 balls, but both umpire and scorer admitted to having lost count completely at some point, only ending the over out of a sense of magnanimity and concern for his mental wellbeing. Nevertheless, it added healthily to our score and the sense of us being up for a reasonable final total was palpable amongst the Carib ranks, arraigned along the boundary edge.

Uncle Dad Charlie’s subsequent enforced demotion to long leg saw the introduction of the second and third change Dad bowlers. Unfortunately, this also coincided with Ringer Clinkett’s decision to hit every ball for a massive six, or at least that was the plan. To consult the scorebook now shows a long and sad litany of dot balls, completely underplaying the gymnastics and contortions taking place out in the middle as he bent his back ever further in pursuit of the outside chance of contact between leather and willow. Such was the change in fortunes, that our aging Vice-Skipper, Carib Rogerson, was easily able to overtake him and reach a sublime 26 not out, and retire (metaphorically) from the middle to the boundary edge, with Ringer Clinkett still barely in double figures. Ordinarily, such a performance would have seen the old Carib immediately reach into his bag for a can of Fosters or two. Sadly, however, the celebrations would have to be put on ice until we’d completed our stint in the field, so the old medium pacer was forced to resume his customary scoring duties, temporarily alcohol free, to be replaced in the middle by our lapsed Tour Manager and committed dot-botherer, Andy Weaver.

Carib Weaver’s knock, however, was to prove something of a cameo, as he resolutely set about smashing the ball to all parts of the square, taking quick singles and propelling his score into the early teens in uncharacteristically quick time. At the other end Ringer Clinkett, now suffering complete physical collapse after his hour long audition for the upcoming Covent Garden Opera production of Swan Lake, finally managed to take his score past the regulation retirement score of 25, to be replaced in the middle for the last few overs by our Chairman, and Talismanic captain, Martin Haigh.

Unfortunately, the final over boundary fest we all hoped for wasn’t to be, as perhaps sensing the opportunity of a not-out score to bolster his own chances of an end of season gong, Martin played with some circumspection and restraint, taking only 9 from his 15 deliveries before the innings came to a close, not with a bang, but with a whimper, leaving us short of what had initially seemed possible, but on a still very Carib healthy score of 130, for a very un Carib-like two wickets down. The Dads’ bowling, however, had not tested us to our limits, and we hoped that given the possible quality of our army of sub-continental ringers, a similar Dad’s batting performance could see us secure an unlikely early season victory.

A quick turnaround saw us out in the middle soon enough, as our Captain and leader, Martin Haigh, searched for volunteers to open the bowling, and it wasn’t long before he was beseeching his oldest and most reliable opening bowler, the veteran, aging medium pacer, Carib Rogerson, to step up and open proceedings. Although the old medium pacer was initially hesitant, aware of the much younger and more vigorous quartet of ringers, itching to bend their backs for the cause, he relented under his Captain’s stern gaze and agreed to defer his imminent retirement by a further season and take the first over. Ringer Tanveer, who, if but for the timely presence of a helmet, would have removed the head of one of the IBM openers in the previous game, was itching to take the second, and so began our defence of what we believed at the time, a defendable total.

Initially, things started well, the old Medium Pacer was on the money straight away, inducing Opening Dad Vernon-Evans to sky his 3rd ball straight to the generally hopelessly unreliable hands of our Captain, and Chairman, Martin Haigh, officiating proceedings from mid-off. Thankfully, on this occasion, his catching skills deserted him, and he was able to cling on to a sharp and difficult catch, giving us our first wicket, and the old Carib Rogerson a wicket maiden.

From the other end, Ringer Tanveer, who learnt his trade with a taped tennis ball by all accounts, and unused to bowling with the leather variety, continued where he’d left off previously and threw down several quick short pitched deliveries, pushing the opening Dads onto the back foot and seriously concerning our generally butter fingered wicketkeeper, Carib Bowen, who was forced to throw himself into harm’s way several times in an effort to prevent too many balls racing away to the fine leg boundary.

After four overs, the Dads’ score had barely hit double figures, with the old medium pacer, Carib Rogerson, apparently so confident and in his stride that he volunteered to extend his spell to four overs. In relenting, his Captain and leader, Martin Haigh, had made an inspired choice, as in his 3rd over, he bowled opener Dad Cucos, and with the very next ball, Dad Propert for a duck. The hat-trick ball, sadly, rolled along the floor 2 feet down the leg side, so denying the Caribs only our second such event since our Leader, Martin Haigh, had completed the feat several seasons previously.

Nevertheless, after 8 overs, the Dads score was still only 33 for 3, and it seemed that the prospect of an unlikely victory was within our grasp, a fact made apparent by the fact that our Fixture Secretary, and perennially keen Carib, Andy Moss, began to warm himself up in the outfield with some gentle flexing, sensing the chance of an opportunity to float up some of his more unorthodox twirlers for an over or two. Unwilling to countenance such a move as yet, with so many overs remaining for a Dad recovery, our Captain, and leader, Martin Haigh, tossed the ball to Protean side-kick, Ringer Wade, and at the other end, Ringer Clinkett, to continue our advance on victory.

Although Proteas Ringer Wade kept it very tight, the same couldn’t be said for proceedings at the other end, as although certainly possessing some pace, and obviously a terrifying prospect bowling to his kids in the back yard, it was some time before Ringer Clinkett found his rhythm against the Dads middle order, who began to take something of a liking to his short pitched, leg side long hops and the pendulum of battle began to swing inexorably in favour of the Dads. Martin brought himself on to stem the flow of runs, but that too failed to materialise, as the engine room of the Dads middle order began to fire. Both Dads Young and Aargaard made quickfire 25s, to increasingly frenetic and boisterous cheers and chanting from the boundary. Uncharacteristically, Captain Haigh’s two overs disappeared for 23, and along with 25 taken from Ringer Clinkett’s two, we discovered to some alarm that only 20 or 30 were required from the final 6 overs. Ringer Irfan was introduced into the attack and, although being another Ringer with some pace behind him, his 5 years out of cricket was telling, and he too failed to dent the wickets column as the Dads continued their march towards victory.

The closing overs were taken by Ringer Wade, who along with Ringer Charnley, bowled well, however, the damage had been done, and some stout and hefty blows by the Dads lower order was sufficient to see them over the line with 10 balls to spare, securing them a very useful victory by 4 wickets over what was, with all our Ringers, a pretty useful Carib side. However, the Dads had certainly proved themselves a very cordial and friendly bunch, who expressed great pleasure over the evening and the spirit in which the match had been played, and we very much look forward to our return fixture next year.

As we had fielded last, there were a lot of unopened beverages to be consumed before heading off to the pub, so several Caribs set about the task earnestly, encouragingly, along with the Dads, who were also enjoying quite a few refreshments of their own. Oddly for the Caribs, and likely due to the sheer number of ringers, there were only 3 of the stalwart Carib members who made it to the pub for a few end of match libations, and to ruminate on a victory that could have been, but was nevertheless, a very enjoyable game.

Carib Beer XI Lose by 4 Wickets

Scorecard